Filling the Empty

A lot’s happened since my last post. Actually, a lot happened before then, but I had posts backed up so I figured I should publish those before moving onto more current things.

For a short while, we were expecting.

Since then, I’ve run the range from physical exhaustion (coming out of urgent care does that, I suppose) to crying at every semi-sentimental moment on screen (Doctor Who and Violet Evergarden, lol), to having a small voice chanting, “buy, buy, buy!” in the back of my mind. Never before have I felt such a pull towards retail therapy. I’m typing this now to avoid it (hey, I think it’s working!).

It’s not just product consumption that my mind tries to run towards. Last night I ate my way through three bowls of cereal before realizing that three bowls is just too much cereal. Rest assured, I am now happily sick of cereal. I barely want to eat.

I’m still reading through my Bible. It’s been a struggle to remember to turn to God’s Word this past month. And it sounds silly for Deuteronomy to be anything but relatable right now but it is, still. Amidst the do’s and do-not’s, the laws and the customs, there’s something there that reminds me that God is good, the rules he put in place were for the good of those who loved Him, and that God desired the Israelites to be kind in all things, towards birds and trees and people.

Part of me is typing this not so much to share but to be rid of the thoughts that keep swirling around my head. I’m so sick of thinking about pregnancy, so sick of wanting to interpret every new thing I recognize about my body (mindfulness + hope = not actually a great combination right now). I just want to find those few weeks again where I was happy to have a single child and not want anything else except to plan ahead for homeschooling and have those weeks extend out for the rest of the year.

I am grateful that we were so embraced, so loved by the family and friends and fellowship around us. I am thankful whenever someone checks in because I am upset that it’s been a month and I am still not over anything (I wanted to be over everything) and it’s nice that someone else still remembers the quiet nightmare that was real. I am thankful for all of these things.

I’m also just sad.


Featured image by Claire Kelly on Unsplash.

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