I set another goal this year to post at least 25 times throughout the year but the reality is that I’m probably going to binge-write several posts at a time because that has been my mental state for a while now: get things done while I can and move on.

This first post is being written near the tail end of February, and it’s about the fourth time.

This time around I am less bedridden than the last time, although there are still days where I can hardly bear to move.

This time around food is more of a mental hurdle than ever. I’m worried about spiking my blood sugar, the thought and smell of raw meat makes me nauseous, I still can’t eat dairy or soy, and apparently my stomach doesn’t like peanut butter either. I really look forward to the days when cooking for the family will not be a problem. I used to cope by watching food YT shorts but now even the thought of eating makes me anxious and sad. I am trying to remind myself that ordering takeout is not something to feel guilty about and is in fact a blessing that we can enjoy.

This time around I am holding onto the days even tighter, because T is so young and I want to make sure both her and R have enough love and attention; as much as I can muster.

This time around I do have loss on my mind, especially as I’m posting today. I wonder what the second might have been like, but I also know God’s plans are better than mine.

This time around I am surprised. Two has always seemed normal. We looked forward to two for so long that three has taken me by surprise. Three seems like a lot… But, like I said, God has better plans than me.

I read a board book today with T and (spoiler alert) it ended off with “it’s okay to have different feelings all at once” and wow, was that not a bit of a book-hug.

Hoping you find hugs in the books you read this week as well.